What’s your greatest fear? A conversation starter. One in which I used to answer not being successful, whatever that even means. One that I answered not being lovable or ending up alone. Honestly, I have realized that my greatest fear is time. The fear of running out of it, not using it wisely enough and not getting the chance to finish what I have started.
I am a human with the worlds biggest dreams. Dreams that take years maybe even a lifetime to grasp. Dreams that take an army of people willing to make small changes with me. Dreams of keeping a legacy alive while creating one of my own. Dreams that take a lot of freaking heart and thoughtfulness.
I got places to go, humans to connect with, things to see and worlds to change and as the clock keeps ticking this fear in me has showed up hard and deep in my core. In the last two months, I have hit some dead ends that caused me to stop, many bumps in the road that caused me to pause, some wrong “ish” turns that caused me to move backwards, and a lot of holes in my pockets that made me stress the heck out causing me to not use my time wisely and crack under pressure …
This fear is something I think about often. Like daily type of often. A few days after I really sat with my thoughts on this fear I read this written by a family member of mine “We all have exactly the same number of hours and minutes and seconds every day. No matter how much money you earn you can’t buy more hours. No matter how smart you claim to be, you can't invent new minutes. And despite how frugal and thrifty you seem, you can't save time or horde time to spend it on another day.” This hit me haaaaard (thanks ET). It’s all things we know, it’s that irrational part of fears. The things we know will just continue paralyze us if we continue to not just think but dwell on them.
I think the things we fear most in life are typically the things we want most in life. For me, time is what I want most. It’s what I crave. In reality, time doesn’t slow down. It won’t stop … until it does … until our time does in fact run out, one day. Rather than letting this fear paralyze me I am trying to use the fear to do more. To constantly move, somewhere. To constantly live, no matter where I am. To constantly leave imprints, on the earth and in peoples hearts. I am learning to face fears one day at a time. One conversation at a time.
Dear Time, you scare the sh*t out of me because I need you and I don’t want to need anything. I know I don’t have an infinite amount of you but I wish I did. I know I have to use you wisely and sometimes I don’t. Time, be gentle with me but not too gentle. Keep shaking things up to remind me that this is just an irrational fear that I just need to keep taking one day at a time, maybe even one second at a time.
About those places I have to go to, humans I need to connect with, things to see and worlds to change … I may be fighting the clock but I am a fighter. Here to shock the world ever so gently.