Today is one of the hardest days of the year for me and for a lot of people really, really close to me. As a matter of fact the day’s leading up to this day aren’t so fun either. They make me anxious and sometimes pretty envious. They make me think, a lot. They are days filled with constant reminders.
It’s seeing stores lined with “Father’s Day’s” cards that I can’t physically give my own. Its hearing about people making plans with their dads and wondering if this hotline to heaven ever got figured out. It’s watching people get the chance to interact with their lifetime heroes just hoping mine shows up in my dreams. Overall, for me, this day, it’s another reminder that mine is no longer on this planet. He’s somewhere, we just don’t know where exactly. Somewhere in the in-between, living in the gap I suppose.
This year in particular I’ve come to have conversations with some who have made the oh so wonderful “don’t think before you speak” painfully lame comments. Kinda like how this year it should be easier for me — “It’s your 6th father’s day without your dad anyway. You’ve done this before, a lot of times before.” Thanks, I forgot? Only thing is how could I ever forget. Cue the small eye roll, a super deep breath and serious jab to the gut.
Hearing things like this legitimately just break my heart and seriously make me question how some people just have not been able to grasp empathy quite yet. It doesn’t make me hate these people, I could never but it makes me feel a little different about them at least in that particular moment.
I wish I could say every year it gets easier but it doesn’t. I wish my dad being here “in spirit” was enough but it isn’t. I wish I could pick up the phone and just call him but I can’t. I wish lucky number 6 meant that today it was going to be easy but it’s not.
To the millions of other people who are apart of this club I am in. The club that took our dads too early. The club that took our dads for various different reasons. Some to death just like me, but some who may have had their dads walk out, some who may have never met their dads and some who just plain absent.
This day is to you and to the people who have stepped in. The people who have tried hard to not be your dad but supplement their love in some way. Who respect the shit out of you and how you handle not having your dad in this physical life. Who empathize with you, who check in on you, who really just freaking love you and your dad, even if they don’t know him personally.
To the moms like mine who had to step in to be a mother and a father.
To the uncles like mine who have take you under their wings and loved you unconditionally.
To the siblings like mine who understand the importance to just check in.
To the mentors like mine who have stepped into become a second dad.
To the friends like mine who listen to you cry and comfort you even when they have no idea what to say.
To the humans who never actually got the chance to meet your dad but genuinely care to learn about him.
To the people who get we all have our own father’s day traditions now and respect the space needed.
To the souls who don’t think they can’t talk about their dads just because mine is no longer here but instead their share theirs with you for the day, or even just the moment.
Now to my dad, happy best dad ever day to my first love, my forever hero and my angel in the outfield. These past couple weeks have been freaking difficult without you. Meet ya in my dreams tonight so we can catch up? I love you times a million super diamonds.