Have you ever felt like you were a plastic bag in the wind? You’ve seen it, you know what I am talking about. You see this lonesome plastic bag, empty and maybe bit torn. It’s sitting there and just as you go to pick it up or drive by this bag the plastic bag floats up into the sky with not a clue where it’s going to travel. Not knowing which direction it’s going to float, not knowing what it is going to hit next or when it will finally plummet to the ground.
You watch this plastic bag rush through the wind taking punch after punch, as people and things dodge its presence so they don’t get caught up in the funnel. I’d like to think it’s similar to drowning, but instead of underwater you’re drowning in the sky. Feeling somewhat suffocated by the madness around you, feeling paralyzed by the pressure it’s putting on you, feeling like everything is coming down with you.
Honestly, sometimes it may seem like it would be fun right? To just float in the sky. To let Jesus take the wheel or whoever you want to take the wheel. Dad, please take mine. Please. Really though, you watch that bag full of nothing, empty as can be, and then to just be, in space, in time. Imagine it. To release everything, to feel nothing and to just relax for once in your life. No thoughts, no feelings, no anything.
I, Alexa Glazer am a plastic bag in the wind right now, and no not just because it’s literally so windy outside in Vegas right now that I could actually blow away but because of everything I just talked about. Because I am feeling like I am drowning in the sky. I absolutely know that I have no idea which direction I am going, I don’t know what I am going to hit next or what will hit me and I could very much plummet to the ground at any point. Either from me taking a clumsy fall or because something unexpected may just sweep me off my feet.
Honestly, the thought of me talking this out and now writing it out for you to read makes me feel gross. It makes me feel gross because I am being just about as transparent as the plastic Walmart bag floating through the sky. It makes me feel gross because it makes me feel like I am not very in touch with who I am at the moment and that’s about as gross as it gets.
I read something the other day that said "The thing you are most afraid to write, write that." It hit me in the gut hard because I have realized that I haven't been writing as much as I should. In fact, it's been pretty non-existent. I know I need writing in my life because it's free therapy. It's physical proof of where I was and where I am going. I know I need to write the hard stuff down otherwise I hermit. It's writing the stuff that comes up like word vomit, the stuff that makes me uncomfortable, the stuff that is built the heck up.
I feel gross …
Because even though I tell people to feel their feelings whole heartedly, I hate feeling mine.
Because although I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, I am realizing I have some serious trust issues.
Because I feel like I have a responsibility that I am not living up to.
Because although I believe so deeply in love of all forms, I am unsure of it all at once.
Because I am spreading myself as thin as I wish my body was (pretty dang thin). Physically, mentally, and emotionally, I spreading myself in every direction I can for very little return on investment but because I feel like I need to not because I want to.
Because I am seriously questioning my judgement, of people and experiences and moments and things.
Because I am feeling sorry for myself. Here I am throwing myself a personal pity party and to be honest it pisses me off because I know first hand how much worse life can be, could be, has been.
Because I am a walking contradiction. I take life as it comes, rain or shine. I don’t take it like a man, I don’t take it like a woman, I just take it. I take it for what it’s worth and I keep pushing forward, sometimes floating like through the sky like the bag, sometimes completely drowning in the sky. I am no longer consistent in my actions because these contradictions they are apart of life, because everything is situational, because we can’t predict anything. Because contradictions give us hope and confuse us all in one. Just like me.
Those feelings I hate feeling it’s because I feel them so deeply. I sit on them, I ponder them, I fully invest on what’s going on internally and how it affects me externally. You best believe I hate feeling like this because I really feel it. I am exhausted, I wake up with a pit in my stomach and I lose my appetite for food and for people.
Trust issues are a real freaking thing people. The problem with mine is that it doesn’t discriminate against anyone. This trust problem runs deeper than romantic relationships. It’s with all relationships. These issues come from the fact that I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, everyone. I trust too much (I think that’s a thing too) which has now turned into not wanting to trust at all (which is kinda a problem, for sure a problem). I keep asking myself “when ya gonna learn Alexa that not everyone is “good people.” I am not sure if I ever will though, because deep in my soul I just want everyone to be “good people.” With that said, I am starting to seriously question my judgement and my naivety to the world before it seriously breaks my heart.
Deep down, I know plastics bags always make there way back down. They may have some holes, they have become run down, they are empty as ever but they find there way back to earth. Eventually. I am just trying to find my way back to earth, as safely as possible, with the least amount of holes as possible, with just as much heart as I have always had as possible.
Truth is this feeling is uncomfortable, it’s a weird place to be in and it’s unknowing. Just like the plastic bag in the wind. I’d like to think it’ll be over soon, in fact I know it will be over. Maybe not as soon as I would like it to be but it’ll die down. The the calmness will overtake and I will be waiting for the next big funnel and gust of wind to come and overtake me.