Hi dad, it’s me, Alexa.
I’m here on earth, physically of course, but my heart and my gut and my mind is elsewhere since you left. It’s somewhere in the clouds. Somewhere between two universe. Somewhere that puts me in the gap. The place that makes me feel closest to you.
It’s been five long years. Long years that have held some of the worst days of my life, the days that felt like they would never end. The days I wanted to hide from and made me scared of days ahead.
But … it’s also been five short years. Short years that have come and gone in the blink of an eye. With days that happened so fast it made we wish that they would never end. The days everything felt right except for one thing … that one thing is the fact that you were missing from it.
That’s 1,825 days.
That’s 43,800 hours.
That’s 2,628,00 minutes — without you.
I’ve learned a lot in these five years ... a lot of things I wish I could have learned from you and with you by my side but I also know that everything happens for a reason so maybe I wouldn’t have have learned these things if you actually were here.
I’ve learned that it’s okay to cry, even in public. Man oh man have I done the whole crying in public thing. I have cried over watching dads on little father daughter dates because that’s something that we used to do. I have cried in the middle of a bar after my family cyber bullied me. I have cried seeing ex-boyfriends out and about thinking about times that were actually good. Truth is, I have cried a lot in public and in the moment it sucked … and people looked at me like I was a nut job but all in all it’s okay to cry and even more okay to cry in public.
I’ve learned to stop apologizing for my feelings, even when I want to. I used to say sorry to people just to get away from confrontation (I hated it). I specfically remember apologzing to an ex boyfriend, we were in the middle of a fight in his room and I finally caved an said “I’m sorry.” He responded with “what are you ever sorry for? All you’re doing is apologizing because you don’t want things to not be perfect.” Boom. He was so right. So I’ve learned to stop. I only apologize when I know deep down I did something wrong, otherwise I’m just me and that doesn’t deserve a “sorry” for.
I’ve learned to love hard, like really hard, even when it’s too scary. Okay, I fall hard. In the past I have jumped head first into all my feelings. Love is scary so my new motto is to just let shit happen. No playing games and no forcing.
I’ve learned to connect with people, even if they are complete strangers. This means telling your story, to anyone who will listen. Connect with people becasue you can. Connect with people becaues it’s awesome. Connect with people because you gain friendships you never would have thought of having.
I’ve learned to bite my tongue, even when that’s not what I think should happen. Sure you have to be able to stand up for yourself but in the same regard you have to know when some battles aren’t worth the fight. That some people won’t hear you regardless of your point of view.
I’ve learned that missing someone never gets easier, even when people tell you it does. This thing called “easier” is such a little lie. Things don’t get easier they just get more manageable.
I’ve learned that many questions are left unanswered, even when you search for the answer. Sometimes you just have to accept that you will never know and that that’s okay. Instead of searching for answers just keep living to find the growth.
I question what I would have learned if you were here though because I can’t help but think I would know more. I also question if these lessons I am learning are still things that you’re teaching without you actually being here.
5 years. That’s 1,825 days. That’s 43,800 hours. That’s 2,628,00 minutes — without you. This has not been easy but I know that easy isn’t a thing. This has not be all fun in games but I know that the slump is all a part of the sweetness in the end.
One day we will meet again but until then keep teaching because I promise you I will do my best to learn everything that I can.