Holy shit you guys, I am an author. A published author. Not just an author of Instagram captions, a personal blog and perfectly crafted text messages. I am an author of a freaking book. A 415 page book. A book that I have been working on for about three years. A book that I, Alexa wear my heart entirely on my sleeve for the world to read. My book that has become my baby and my entire life. My book that has become a dream and a reality I never once anticipated.
To say that everything that could have gone wrong the two weeks leading up to this huge moment in my life is an understatement. Everything went wrong. The stress has never been more real in my life. The tears flowed. Many, many times. Mostly in public places like at Starbucks where others got to watch me break down (not embarrassing or anything...).
But with many conversations, mostly with myself, in my own head or out load in the third person, I crossed my fingers, I praised some higher power, some universal shift, some belief system, pretty much anything to say that everything is happening for a reason and that everything is going to work out. It's going to because it has to and I have worked too damn hard for it to fall apart now or for me to give up and give in to the bologna happening.
Now, this was not easy ... I said that oh so important, sometimes cliche "everything happens for a reason" through the grinding of my teeth, the fake smile I made myself give in hopes it would turn into a real one, the sick to my stomach feeling I tricked myself into think was joy, the watery eyes that turned into tears streaming down my face, the swear words that came out of my mouth that I may not be proud of and even the laughter. The laughter because at one point this all got very comical. Comical because for a second, only a second though because I wouldn't let myself cave, I thought that maybe after all this work, all this throw myself into my book and writing nonsense was coming to an end. So we laughed.
Here we are though ... everything did happen for a reason. It did all work out. It of course became sweeter in the end like always because it was and has been difficult to get here. So, the fake smile turned into this radiating can't wipe the smile off my face kind of smile. The embarrassing tears in the middle of Starbucks and at the kitchen table turned into tears of joy and pride when the books showed up at my door and I held my book for the first time. The swear words I wasn't so proud of turned in straight hype and the laughter continued because I do this when I am nervous, excited and turn into the dork that I am.
Even with all of the words in the dictionary I don't have many to explain the overwhelming feeling I have felt over this last week. The support I have received. The love I have felt. The feeling I have deep in my soul and the someone pinch me because even with all of the pictures and the videos it still doesn't feel real. I am literally starring at my book peaking out of my purse going "no way is that mine." But it freaking is you guys!
To all of you out there who think your dreams are too big, think bigger. To all of you that think something is impossible, think again. To all of you who are afraid, have courage. To all of those that think they are weak, know you are much stronger than you think. Dream big and fight for it. Fight so hard. Fight till it's yours. Fight till you can't stop smiling, till you can't find the words, till you need someone to pinch you. Then even when you think the fight is over, it's not. Fight for the next big thing. The next moment you didn't dream was possible, or in the cards for you.
This journey has been long but it's only the beginning. Book one done but I have so much more in store for myself. So much more in store for the world.