Four years ago my night was rocked. This night was the beginning to the rest of my life. It was the beginning of a life that I didn't think I would have to live through, at least not this young.
Something sudden. Something unexpected. Something life-crushing happened.
Four years ago my dad left us for some unknown place between Heaven and Earth. I say between Heaven and Earth because it makes him feel just a tad bit closer to me. I say between Heaven and Earth because I don't see my dad as some face in the sky looking down and smiling at me. I say between Heaven and Earth because that's where I can feel him the most. It's where I envision the most, remember the most, smile the most but also miss him the most.
This is the place I feel like I could ask him to come back home. Until I realize how silly that question is. It's the place that feels like he is standing right in front of me, in the flesh. Until I blink of course. It's the place I feel like I can actually hear his laugh. Until the person next to me starts talking again. It's the place I feel like I can hug him one last time. Until my arms just float through the air.
Here I am still on Earth. Pinpointed on the map is my base camp in Las Vegas, Nevada, but at any given moment, I am likely to be traveling - for the sheer pleasure of seeing new things and meeting new people.
I like to think that my dad is somewhere between Heaven and Earth. Where can you pinpoint that on the map? You can't. Go figure. That place is the one so many refer to when they tell me he is with me wherever I go. Maybe that’s heaven – a heaven that allows its residents to visit their friends back home. It’s from this idea that I am getting the sense that Phil Glazer is somewhere between heaven and earth. Because we don’t really know – we can’t really know. I can’t see him in all his glory, so I can’t be for sure. I can’t find heaven’s GPS coordinates or get directions.
I don’t see a billboard on I-15 saying: “Welcome to that place you’ve been looking for. That place you can meet those that have passed over in the flesh. That place located somewhere between Heaven and Earth.”
I like to take myself to this place. This unknown. Between two universes distant little safe haven. It's where I put positivity back in my life and other's lives. It’s where I create and can be anyone. Most importantly though, it’s a place where I can be myself. Where I am not what other people think (or insist) I should be – where I am no-one else but the real, honest-to-goodness Alexa Renee Glazer.
How cool is that?
This place that exists between Heaven and Earth is where society’s ideals and expectations don’t matter. Where I can rebel against all the rules while refusing to worry about the consequences. Where I can break the mold, straddle the line, and do whatever my golden heart desires.
This is the place I create within myself and with the help of my dad. So, regardless of where I actually am on the map, I am always somewhere glorious that can be found between two universes. Regardless of where I am on the map or where my dad is on his, we can always find each other. In that place between real life and wherever my imagination wants to take me.
Somewhere between Heaven and Earth.
My angel in the outfield. Today, I will to hit you a dinger. I will pour some Ketel out for you and I will save the last dance for you.
Where have these four years gone? As much as I wish I could forget the details I can't seem to shake them. This day feels like it just happened yesterday not 1,460 days ago. So of course I've been getting those anxious vibes leading up to this day. The pressure of not knowing how to respond to friends when they ask what I want to do on January 27th. The pressure of possibly having a mental an emotional breakdown in front of someone. The pressure of missing you so much it hurts at times. Truth is I have no idea how I will feel come January 27th each year so the anxious vibes and the tears they continue. They come and they go.
You're sure missing a lot and I mean a lot. I know this is just the way it's supposed to be now but the concept continues to get me quite rattled. You are so missed and missed by so many people. I am so lucky to be your daughter. You would be so proud but I gotta say that the successes are a little less sweet without you here to celebrate with. I know I am supposed to be happy because I am building an empire built around your legacy but crap it makes me feel guilty that I am finding happiness through a life that should have continued. I hate that. I guess the term "forever young" is accurate literally and figuratively for you. "Forever 49," "forever looking like a stud with that baby face and blonde hair and Bamm Bamm tattoo on that arm of yours." Gosh dang it dad, I miss you. I'll meet you in that place between Heaven and Earth and I can't wait to see that smile of yours again. I love you. Always and forever. To the moon and back. Just for the record you're my hero.