Some of us are "lucky" enough to have a very full, vibrant life with their dad. To have an unbreakable, unforgettable, undeniable father-daughter bond. To have someone show you the ropes of life. To be there for you during every accomplishment. But also every heart break, failure, and "get your shit together" moments. I am not one of those "lucky" ones.
I did have that unbreakable, unforgettable, undeniable father-daughter bond. I did have some of the "show you ropes of life" course, jam packed into my days. I had him there for some accomplishments (but not the huge life milestones), some heartbreak (but not the worst), some failure (not my biggest), and "the get your shit together moments" (we all have these our entire lives so he got to see a few).
As for a full life... absolutely not. I got 21 years (and my heart shutters to know others get less). As my dads passing happened out of no where, in the snap of someone's fingers, and when he was only 49 years old, I learned to grow up real fast.
With that all said, today is not just another day. Today is January 27th. It's not a day I like to remember from my past. It's not a day I generally look forward to (it usually makes me quite anxious). But it is a day I do my best to embrace.
Today is anniversary number 3 of my dad's passing. 3 years and counting...
Now, when I said I normally get anxious around this time I really mean it. I get quite emotional when something strikes a chord (and you can ask my boyfriend for proof of that, the proof lies in the snot and tears that have been on his shoulder this week).
This time of the year, it gets me thinking. A lot. About the good, the bad, the ugly. But, what I am really trying (emphasis on the trying) to focus on this year (although it is much easier said than done) is to actually embrace the opportunity to celebrate a legacy and keep it alive.
So instead of making today about the ugly side of death, I am going to "try" and make it about the pretty side. The memory side. That father - daughter bond I am ever so missing in the flesh.
THE THINGS I WANT MY DAD, WHO RECEIVED ANGEL WINGS TOO EARLY TO KNOW:
The woman and daughter I have become.
You gave me unconditional love and I still feel it. Never stop giving us signs, it gets us through every single day. (I do wish you made more appearances in my dreams though, so if there is any way that you can jump into them waaaay more often... like more than 3 times in 3 years I would jump for joy every morning)
You showed me how a woman should be treated. How small gestures go a long way. How fighting doesn't resolve. How important it is to find a best friend in your person.
You made it clear that we would figure things out on our own. You've always been a helping hand, an ear that would listen fully, and a voice of reason. However, you never once told me what to do. I thank you for this because I now know what it feels like to be an adult (kind of). I can hold my own. Thank you for leaving me with others who can be that hand, ear, and voice but a bigger thanks for giving me the courage to make a decision for myself.
Resilience. I've only really learned what this word meant more recently which means I wasn't always aware that you were teaching me it. The ability to bounce back. Essentially though, I did know that you taught me to never give up and resilience is a gigantic part of that. I take this lesson to heart because, now, after you left this physical part of earth I have now been through the most difficult thing in my life. I have been through the worst but because I knew giving up wasn't an option, I am still here and still striving.
For teaching me that there is no crying in baseball. You taught us girls to strap on a pair. To have the best pop up slide in the nation. To dive and get dirty. Thanks for teaching us that in somewhat of a "mans world" we can do anything we want, we can be anything we want to be, and we can do it better.
You became a best friend. Sure, your my dad, but the bond we shared was like no other. It was't just this biological link, the genetics we share, or the last name you gave me. It was the fact that you would sit and wait for me every night after work just to talk. It was the fact that you would stop anything for me at any given time and I would do the same. It was the fact that you were one of my number one fans and I was one of yours. It most definitely is the fact that we both choose to drink Ketel 1 on the rocks, that baseball is in our blood, and that you would dance with me on stage... in a toga (are you kidding me? talk about a great friendship). We can't choose our family but we do choose our friends. How lucky am I that I got you for both?
For Mom and Nikki. Without you in this life of course there would be no me. No Alexa Bear (and that would be just sad because I feel like I turned our pretty damn great). More importantly though because of you and the journey life threw at you, you gave me Mom and you gave me Nikki. You fell in deep, deep love with your sweetheart and then the two of you created the polar opposite sister of mine. You gave me the best 3 stooges any girl could ever be left with. Of course, we wish you were here. We want our family to be complete and let's be honest there's a huge factor missing, YOU. But, thank you for giving me the best mother and best big sister any girl could ask for.
I miss you. Every. damn. day. The things I would do to have another conversation with you have no limit. I wish every day I could snap my fingers and for you to magically appear before my eyes.
I'm mad at you. I'm mad because you left us way to early. You left without saying good-bye. You left and we're all still here with a hole in our hearts. I'm mad because you couldn't come to my college graduation and countless other future monumental life moments. You won't be at my wedding. The father of the bride won't be attending. I won't have you to walk me down the aisle or have that father daughter dance that you requested to be choreographed. That's something I'll never get over and I'll probably continue to hold a grudge for.
I forgive you though. I forgive you because I know you didn't want this. I forgive you because you would have said good-bye if you could. So even though I might be a little mad at you, I know it's not your fault.
I promise you that I will keep your legacy alive. That Phil Glazer was the dad of a lifetime (and trust me everyone will know this). The man, the myth, the legend. I promise that I will inspire others, kick ass and take names, always catch the ball with two hands, make you more proud than ever, run super diamonds for mental errors, stay true to the woman that I am, remain Glazer Strong, and be "livin' the dream..." day in and day out.
I love you. Forever and always. To the moon and back.
I can't wait to see you in heaven one day. Now this day is going to be years and decades from now because I plan on living a long life, a life for the both of us since you didn't get the chance (I know plans don't always go as well... "planned" hence you not being here, but I'm aiming for a full life ahead). But I want you to know I look forward to whenever this day is and seeing you again. Until then I will continue drinking Ketel 1 for you, hitting imaginary dingers all the way up to my angel in the outfield, and dancing with you.